so Grad happened.

Sometimes life surprises you. Sometimes you leave a place that you have wanted to leave for three out of the four years and the tears still begin to flow, the good memories still surface, and the time seems to begin to fly by quite quickly. All of a sudden I am in the swirl of transition again. And it is not a bad thing, more importantly it is not a new thing, but it does seem to be a very fleshly, creaturely, human thing.  It reminds me that it is Christ and Christ crucified and Christ alive and well that matters. It reminds me that it is his constant faithfulness and love that holds me tightly and never loosens its grip. It is another season of life that releases the faintest whisper from above, "Do you trust me? Do you really trust me?" 

"If there's empty spaces in your heart,

They'll make you think it's wrong,

Like having empty spaces,

Means you never can be strong,

But I've learnt that all these spaces,

Means there's room enough to grow,

And the people that once filled them,

Were always meant to be let go,

And all these empty spaces,

Create a strange sort of pull,

That attract so may people,

You wouldn't meet if they were full,

So if you're made of empty spaces,

Don't ever think it's wrong,

Because maybe they're just empty,

Until the right person comes along."

-Ernest Hemingway

"I guess I never realized that when you left you left people behind."
"Ya, I never want to do that again."
"You wont have to... snoopy."

forward motion

Maybe we idealize and idolize adventure. 

But maybe we don't. 

Maybe we truly are made for grand adventure and faithful plodding- 

all mixed together in one life well lived. 

A both/and sort of deal. 

This has been a season about learning to live life well (and by season I mean the past four years). 

Deuteronomy 10:12-22

 “And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God require of you,

 but to fear the Lord your God, 

to walk in all his ways, to love him, 

to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul,

and to keep the commandments and statutes of the Lord, 

which I am commanding you today for your good?"

The mountain throughout scripture symbolizes a place where the divine encounters the earth. It is a meeting place. I guess there were parts of me that had the expectation that going to Covenant, and living on Lookout Mountain, would be one, grand encounter with God. I thought that it might be like Moses on the Mountain, seeing the God as he passed by, like the disciples as the journeyed up the mountain to see Jesus transfigure and reveal his glory and his sonship, like the cross sitting on top of the hill, or like the places where idol after idol was destroyed in order to bring Israel back into right relationship with God.

Holy Encounters.

"Behold, to the Lord your God belong heaven and the heaven of heavens, 

the earth with all that is in it. 

Yet the Lord set his heart in love on your fathers 

and chose their offspring after them, 

you above all peoples, as you are this day.

Circumcise therefore the foreskin of your heart, 

and be no longer stubborn." 

This expectation left me empty handed and confused. Instead of these deep intimate encounters with the Lord I was left with frustration and my own brokeness to face. 

"Love the sojourner, therefore, 

for you were sojourners in the land of Egypt." 

I was just listening to this sermon- and the guy teaching said that the only difference between a break-down and a break-through is that one sends a person into the depths never to return, and the other sends a person into the depths to come out of it made new. That picture is the past four years of my life. Perhaps it is the ultimate picture of the Christian life. That is the story of Christ, sent into the world as a fetus. He died. He was buried. He rose again. He was sent into the depths to come out of it as ChristusVictor.

"You shall fear the Lord your God. 

You shall serve him and hold fast to him,

 and by his name you shall swear."

 

"He is your praise. 

He is your God, 

who has done for you these great 

and terrifying things that your eyes have seen."

"Your fathers went down to Egypt seventy persons, 

and now the Lord your God has made you 

as numerous as the stars of heaven."

The thing is, the Mountain has been a place of Holy Encounters. 

They came through the laughter and tears of housemates, through the joy of bookclub, through professors who are willing to pray over me, through learning to enjoy the foggy mornings, and through the gift of having a place. 

Encounters with God 

and

encounters with His children-

That has been my Mountain experience in the most unexpected ways.

Three years on the Mountain top.

I just finished three years on the Mountain. 
It has been long, hard, and really beautiful. 
Every year passes faster than it should. Each contains lots of memories and lessons learned.
This year I thought a lot about who I was when I first visited Covenant- and how God's faithfulness has made me new and brought restoration into my life. 

This was a year of friendships- new ones and broken ones. 
A year full of missing family

 and at the same time loving where I was at.  .      .    . 

It was a year full of studying subjects that I dislike 

but being diligent anyways.

This was the year that God re-awakened my heart to the need for prayer,

his presence,

his love for me, 

and his reminder to receive his good gifts.

This year I was invited back into the church calendar. 

I participated in advent and was filled with joy during Christmas. 

For the first time in my life I fully engaged in lent. 

Maybe LENT was the most significant season of this past school year. 

I use to pride myself in being independent.

an individual- not in need of others.

And for the first time I fully leaned into my Jesus- relying fully on him.

I felt strength and his spirit move in me.

I noticed how freeing and humbling it is to live as a dependent. 

I walked away from my junior year at Covenant being so aware of what God has been doing inside of me. Over the past three years God has ripped down what was shakeable in my life and reminded me that my foundation is CHRIST ALONE. 

"My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness. 

I dare not trust the sweetest frame, 

but wholly trust in Jesus' name."

I am heading to Seattle and Hope to see my beautiful family.
I am already so thankful for the next three weeks of my life.
After that, I head to Pemba, Mozambique.
This year is not over- and as much as it is important to notice seasons it also important to notice how God moves in one continual story.
We are just part of his story and he can use us as he choses.

God is so faithful

and I want my whole life to be about him. 

Rise.

It has been a week.
Im not sure I would say its been good or that I would say its been bad.
Mostly it just has been.
Momement by moment the Lord has taken my hand and walked me through it all.

so I guess that actaully makes my week good.

being WITH is always good.

at least being with God is.

This week I have felt a lot like Lucy when Aslan tells the four children, "Rise Kings and Queens of Narnia;" half delighted to be called forth and half stunned by his choosing. God has been taking me on a journey these past two weeks. Mostly a journey of him calling me to Rise up and live out of the identity he has given me. 

To flesh out his words in and through my life.

Noticing his blessings and his voice throughout my day. 

Once a King or Queen, always a King or Queen.

seasons of life.

I know that living on the Mountain Top is changing my life.

Covenant sort of represents a season of FALL for me. 
I came into school as if it would be summer forever; Wide-eyed freshman and expecting to be green-leafed forever.

But summer never lasts, 

at least not summers of the soul. 

Fall will come.

And Fall has been Covenant for me. 

The first couple days of fall feel bitter; it is cold, rainy, and full of greys. But after those first couple dead-feeling days we realize that there is beauty in the death. 

The truth of the leaves is revealed. 

We learn that God is too creative, too good to leave them in the summer heat forever. 
Our eyes are opened and soon we begin to see life in the midst of the bitter rain. 

we see life lived out in red. 

We begin to see the reality of the leaves.
That really has been Covenant for me: There are a lot of days that feel cold and bitter. But I know that the Lord is just revealing my reality, the true colors that my life is painted in. 

My life is painted in the deepest, most beautiful red. 

Fall Break on the Mountain.

This fall break I am being called into a place of

stillness.

noticing.

listnening.

SEEING.

And so, to do that,

I will be taking photographs of my break

instead of putting words to it.

Sometimes I see more through the lens of a camera.

I am thankful for the gift of sight.

For colors and for reading words.

For seeing pictures and nature.

For sunshine and for seeing the death of colorful leaves.

These photos are places of truth:

places of thanksgiving.

places of noticing.

THANKS BE TO GOD!

It is a great pity that, in the world of light, the gift of sight is used only as a mere convenience rather than as a means of adding fullness to life.”~Helen Keller

"It is not what the world holds for you, it is what you bring to it." -Anne of Green Gables

Desire is painful these days.

It seems safe, fluid like.

And then it hardens, expands, pushes up against my walls.

( Like water freezing )

It crushes the things I thought I knew.

It hurts.

"More Lament.

More Mourning"

That is what HE is callng me to.

Oh, how it hurts.

So thankful I can rest in His love for me.

P.s. I <3 Howard HighSchool.

Thanks in the Unknown.

This is what my life feels like most days:::

Pure craziness.

Reckless.

Out of control.

This is how I feel:

Crazy insane,

and yet FULL of laughter!

Sometimes, the craziness is where you learn how to just be.

How to be honest, real, and raw.

How to wait on the Lord.

How to be still.

How to KNOW (in full confidence) that he is bringing redmeption.

ONLY THROUGH HIS BLOOD!!!

So in the midst of the chaos, tears, and groans... I feel still.

I feel someone taking my hand and bringing my focus back to the TRUTH.

back to HIM.

Thanks be to God.

"Live in the Questions." Thank you Anna Harrison.

Why is there fear in the unknown?

Better question,

Why is there not thanks and praise in the unknown?

Well I can tell you one thing,

God is ripping people pleasing out of me.

It feels brutal.

Just sayin'

More and more unsettled.

More peace though.

More JESUS.

"You can have all this world.

Just give me Jesus!"

It is raining outside.

I love rain... I have always said that it is God crying with his people.

And tonight that is true again.

This beautifully hard life brings mourning and lament.

Sometimes it rains for a short time but it rains hard.

Tonight it rains long and softly.

And that is what lament in this season looks like too.

There is nothing short and sweet about mourning.

This will be a long and constant process.

But God is reminding me that he is WITH.

He journeys with me through this hardness.

He allows the water of life to pour out over me.

He brings streams into the desert places (Psalm 107).

He allows the rain to remind me of truth.

Truth that he is WITH.

Some people shut out the rain.

I open up my life to it.

I open my windows to hear the pitter-patter.

I step out onto the Balcony to hear it clearly

and to feel the cool air.

I want the wind to push the rain into me.

I want to step into the messiness and calmness of tender rain.

I want my life to offer the same fragrance this rain offers to me!

"I Heard her...I am noticed, I am beautiful."

oh God. you are so good

you encourage me just in the nick of time.

you save me.

just in the nick of time.

"Don't be alone.

Cause you aint:)"

if i seem to be strong. its a lie. im not.

maybe Christ gives me strength.

but that is it. none of it is mine.

super needy.

thats not a bad place to be.

its just an honest place for me.

honest, raw, and full of HOPE.

Just throwin' this out there.

I want to be a mom so bad.

I want to cook and clean

and LAUGH and DANCE.

And be crazy:) and except tears.

Mom just sounds wonderful to me right now.

BEAUTY AWAKENS:

I am surrounded by beauty.

Daily noticing God's grace gifts.

I am counting again:) Thanks to Ann.

God is worthy of so much more than I can ever give.

But I want to give it all. all i have to give.

Blessed to be a blessing.

Goodbye Summer 2011.

I love you Pinewoods. I love you beautiful ocean and waves.

I am gonna be missing you all. dearly.

goodbyes are so painful.

thankful.

Georgia is on my mind.

Remembering last year. Moving in. Being a freshman. Having these two friends with me.

Thankful for all that God is continuing to do in us.

"Hopeful Expectation" I hear him say.

Clinging to truth. The truth that God is a redeemer. MY REDEEMER.

SEE YOU SOON BEAUTIFUL MOUNTAINS,

how I have missed you!

Yours truly,

Emmy Joy Bug.