The Summer of Significance.

A few days ago I decided to read through my high school journals. I often look back on that time as this huge season of growth, and in some ways it was. It was the season where I first began to understand God's deep love for me. It was the season where I first began to feel his love for those around me- And those are big things! But in all honesty, most of my journal entries had to do with me- my hurt, my anger, my relationships, my desires. And the Lord used those times in me- I in no way am devaluing that season of my life- but I was in awe of his faithfulness. It was my freshman year at Covenant College that I began making thanksgiving lists. I read 1000 Gifts in the midst of being torn apart- and I decided that I would say 'thank you' to God for at least 12 things every night. And so it began, a season of thanksgiving. 

At the beginning, it was hard to think of twelve things from that very day that I could give thanks for. But as I made thanksgiving a discipline, not just an overflowing response, I learned what it meant to remind myself of God's great gifts. 

After intentionally giving thanks every night for a couple months, I began to do it naturally. I began to give thanks as I walked to class, or as I left the Great Hall, or as I laid in bed after a hard day. Thanksgiving and Praise became overflow again. 

I am now in a season where thanksgiving doesn't seem to be flowing from my lips, which means its not very present in my heart. And so I am starting TwelveThings again- and hopefully there will be more than twelve and it will come more often than just at night.

But until it does- twelve things a night.

Because the truth is, no matter how I feel or where I am in life, God is good and worthy of praise.

And sometimes, you just have to remind yourself of that truth.

(1) Thank you God for your visible grace through the lilacs.

(2) Thank you God for laughter late into the night over crazy things like duck hands and voices.

(3) Thank you for breaking out in dance when in doubt.

(4) Thank you for Moe and PJ and the joy I find in their friendship.

(5) Thank you for time spent with old friends- for being able to rejoice and mourn with my people.

(6) Thank you for the way I was able to notice Jesus in Maggie and John's wedding celebration!

(7) Thank you for the joy and freedom to reception dance.

(8) Thank you for Pentecost Sunday and for the promise of your Spirit.

(9) Thank you for the reminder to gird up and fight in truth!

(10) Thank you for LoveWar on Tuesday nights.

(11) Thank you for Hanna Hill being able to come to Knoxville the day I invite her.

(12) Thank you for TK, his birthday, and smoking Shisha together.

(13) Thank you for #highschoolfriendsandhanna

(14) Thank you for Gospel conversations with Kyle, Zach, and Luke.

(15) Thank you for late night conversations at Waffle House.

(16) Thank you for The Freedom Manual

(17) Thank you for Taylor's SIP songs and the reminder to live in the questions.

(18) Thank you for being able to intercede for Kyle 'the Keeper'

(19) Thank you for Nicola- her faithful friendship and prayers.

(20) Thank you that Beth will get to love on Egyptians.

(21) Thank you for the invitation to remember my summer in Pemba.

(22) Thank you for House of Peace ladies and for a love that binds us.

(23) Thank you for letting me know that you are better than it all.

(24) Thank you for hope and joy-filled laughter.

"Remember Whose you are and Whom you serve. 

Provoke yourself by recollection, and your affection for God will increase tenfold; 

your imagination will not be starved any longer, but will be quick and enthusiastic, 

and your hope will be inexpressibly bright." 

- Oswald Chambers

After a night filled with joy filled laughter and ordained encounters of the strangest kind, four of us grabbed hands and prayed. And as we prayed, the Holy Spirit stirred some truth up in me that I have been forgetting a lot lately. 

An old friend prayed, "Let this summer be one of significance." 

And I was reminded that it will be. It will be significant- because all time with the Lord is. 

Warmth

Rough Seas.

heav·y

 

1. of great weight; hard to lift or carry.

2. of great amount, quantity, or size; extremely large, massive.

HEAVY. That is a perfect word to descibe how I have felt for the past couple weeks. Heavy.

Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who are weary...I will give you rest... Learn from me... you will find rest for your souls...My yoke is easy and my burden is light."

I have CLUNG to the promises in this verse before. Clung to it as if my life depended on it. Probably because a lot of days I feel so heavy that my life does depend on someone taking the burdens for me.

But I have questions and thoughts, somehow this verse doesn't quite make since to me. How can any burden be light? and how and what is Jesus' yoke? Is his idea of " light and easy" different then mine?

Questions are valuable.

Write down the questions.

When I think 'light and easy' a picture of whip cream pops in my head. Pretty sure that isn't what Jesus was thinking when he said those words.

So I open up my hands.

Knowing that God is good and that he is my sustainer,

Knowing that God holds all things together,

Knowing that I don't know,

I open up my hands, ask the questions, and trust in his answers.

Satan fights a battle over trust.

And I'm feelin' it.

I will drink my tea and remind God of his promise.

I will lay all that stuff at the cross and trust that God's idea of "light and easy" is good. Good, good for me, and good for God's glory.

Open HANDS,

Open HEARTS,

and

LOTS of Hope.

I love sunshinecause it brings GROWTH.

These weeks this mountain top has been awfully foggy.

foggy and gross.

I struggle with the fog. I struggle with it because I love the sun. Sun brings warmth, comfort, and growth. Fog brings questions. I struggle living thankfully in the questions.

HARD thanks.

Enter into hard thanksgiving.

Hard thanksgiving on the rough seas.

Grace Filled Beach Day.

I had a beautiful day.

Full of wind, salty air, and rough waves.

Full of questions and honest answers.

Full of STORY.

A day at the beach with my girls.

Beautiful Wind,

Messing up our hair.

small things.

Notice the small GRACE GIFTS.

Notice the color.

BRIGHT COLORS.

Brown, Orange, Purple, Blue, Pure White, Green.

NOTICE

NOTICE AND BE FILLED WITH

WONDER!

Be in awe of our GREAT GOD.

Grace washes over me

and offers healing.

A Summer Soaking In The Sun.

This was a FULL summer. I guess life usually seems full. Late in May I got into Shiloh my Chevy and headed towards Pensacola, FL unaware of all that God had planned for me. I wrote in my journal, "I notice that you (God) are inviting me into a new season of life." And that he was.

It has been a season of change and of transformation.

Slow on some days. and really fast on others.

But whatever it is, its new.

It feels like winter just ended and I am seeing green life for the first time.

Its beautiful and it makes me want to turn up my radio and sing loud!

So here are WeeBits of my summer. (Crazy its almost over.)

I fell in love with my family this summer. I mean, I have always loved my whole family. But this summer something in my heart changed.

I longed to be with them.

To celebrate WITH them.

And to CELEBRATE them!

To laugh with them.

Every glimpse I get of their hearts is pure delight.

Maybe absence does make the heart grow fonder or maybe the Holy Spirit is completing a good work in me. All I know is::

I have the best dad in the world, he shows me Abba's heart for me.

Mom is crazy and I love her for it! Her spunkyness is so valuable for us. I want to be full of life, questions, and still growing when I am a Nana.

I always see more and more value in Bethany. I love how she doesn't fight for control, but kinda just rolls with the punches. She is full of beauty.

There is no one I would rather have a sleepover with than Hannah. I am so thankful for her and the way she shows pursuit and perseverance.

I get to see life experienced for the first time through Cason.

I know I'm the baby, but I think I'm just proud of my sisters.

And... They chose to give me the best brothers:)

Family is one of the biggest blessings in my life.

And just when we are all kinda moving away and choosing different paths, I want to grab on for dear life and never let go of any of them.

All I know is I have cried because I haven't been able to watch two baby boys grow in Bethany's belly. Cried because I cant live next door to Hannah and Nick. And cried as my parents have driven off. Tears over my family are a blessing.

I'm learning and CHANGING.

It has been a summer of planting seeds, of living life with the next generation, and of God expanding my heart.

Relationships are beautiful and messy.

Relational work always brings growth.

And this summer was no exception...

Growing new life, spring green.

Learning how to water with love. Learning how to offer grace: room to grow and space to be.

The Pinewood ladies have taught me even more on beauty: and what it looks like to live in it.

Through being a leader, God has called me back to his words. God has invited me to feast not to starve. He has given me the means of grace. (Thanks be to God!)

So YES! Yes to feeding, chewing, and feasting on the Word of Life.

"Be infected with the Gospel."

Those words keep flashing in my head like a florecent light.

God wont let me forget.

He continues to pull me back to the Gospel of Grace.

The gospel that allows me to live a FULL life.

The gospel that allows me to live [period]

These beautiful ladies have taught me so much. They have asked me to have an open heart. A heart full of love to give and to receive. They allowed me to ask the akward questions, to call them out, and to share in their joy!

They said, "I love your laugh.

Its big and you just put it on out there

and say 'here it is world'."

God poured his GRACE down on me...

...through them!

Through their words!

Open Heart, Laughter, and Dance.

HERE THEY ARE WORLD!

Oh Ke$ha, sometimes you just speak to my heart.

we're dancin like we're dumb...

we'll be forever young...

Learning how to notice the small and silent things.

Learning about the value of journaling. Learning about Remembering.

Made journals with my ladies one night.

(Remembered and prayed for Pua)

It has been a summer full of laughter.

Sometimes all you need is soap and a tarp to have fun.

Sometimes swimming suits are overrated.

Sometimes waffle cone Wednesdays at TCBY make your day.

Sometimes, if you listen, eighth grades teach you more than teachers.

Sometimes questions plant the most valuable seeds of all.

Sometimes you just need to smile BIG and count your MANY blessings!

A summer of service. and learning to cling to the only life that matters

Learning the value of REST and SILENCE.

Learning how to receive blessing and favor.

Sometime over the years summer reading became a pleasure instead of a duty. My dad once said he had friendships with books. I laughed at him. (They are not people after all.) But now I understand. They can be your greatest teachers and encouragers. They can take you into other worlds. Their wording can pierce your heart like no other words have. So I love books. like really am in love with them.

My Summer Reading List:

Choosing to See- Mary Beth Chapman

Bittersweet- Shauna Niquist

For Love's Sake- Jessica Davis

Balcony People- Joyce Heatherley

From Brokeness to Community- Jean Vanier

Trail and Triumph- Hannula

A Sever Mercy- Vanauken

To Be Told- Dan Allender

Radical- David Platt

Authentic Relationships- Jacobsen

Listening to Love- Jan Meyers

...and many more I wish I would've finished.

This summer something beautiful was refreshed in me: I noticed how much I love children.

It seems crazy that I of all people could have forgotten that, but i did.

And Jesus was faithful to remind me.

Maybe it was Clara Fern's fierce independence and bold desires, or Georgia's laughter and desire to play, or maybe it was sweet Lilly Bella's tip toe walk and singing voice, but whatever it was- it woke me up!

Through their laughing, dancing, and playing God began to remind me what I was made for. I was made to have a child's heart. To know my worth and my value. To be delighted in and find delight in all things good.

To play hard.

To laugh until my stomach hurts.

To dance like I'm dumb...

To sing loud (no matter what my voice sounds like)

I began to enjoy God.

The love of a child awakens dead hearts. It sends living water over the dry ones and sets ablaze the small embers.

I will hold onto the memories of Georgia running into my arms laughing and screaming in delight and Ferny trying to say 'Emily' and Lilly Bella shouting "MAY I PLEASE!"

There is JOY

LIFE

CELEBRATION.

I love kiddies<3

...to be free...

So, here I am, at the end of the summer.

Crazy how fast it all has passed.

There isn't doubt in God's plan. (At least not today.)

However, there is that pain in my heart again. The one that reminds me that I wasn't made for this earth- but for an eternal one. I was made to have a home. I wasn't made for wandering and for constant good-byes. What is ironic about goodbyes is that the more you say them the harder they get. It not like most things, practice doesn't make them easier. Every person I say bye to leads to a breaking heart. And every time the pieces of my heart get smaller and smaller.

So it never gets easier with practice.

But from the brokenness a pleasing aroma rises.

And so yes, a summer beside the ocean brought much healing.

But it also brought much brokenness.

Not saying that is bad thing...

but just speaking the truth.

"Vegas to Africa."

"do you listen to your music quietly..."

Summer Playlist:::

Gotta Have You- the Weepies

I Have A Shelter- Sovereign Grace

Brought Back My Old Smile- Erin Cagle

Love Like Woe- The Ready Set

Grace Like Rain- Plumbline

Feel the Tide- Mumford and Sons

Story of Love- Mandi Mapes

Til I'm Home- Mandi Mapes

Come Ye Sinners- Indelible Grace

Haunted- Leagues

Dance Me to the End of Love- the Civil Wars

Deep Cries Out- Bethel Live

Planting Trees- Andrew Peterson

Static Waves- Andrew Belle

Who You Are When I'm Not Lookin'- Blake Shelton

We R Who We R- Ke$ha

On The Floor- Jennifer Lopez ft. Pitbull

Knee Deep- Zac Brown Band

Just a Kiss- Lady Antebellum.

God is my dream weaver. He has given me more dreams this summer. And I am laying them in his hands, knowing that he will weave them together perfectly; making a beautiful work of art.

So this was a summer of learning how to lament.

A summer of beginning to dream again.

A summer full of the gospel.

A summer of being WITH.

not without but WITH.

Healing Beside Salty Water.

Chapter 1:::

I was in a DEEP PIT by Monday morning and the school week only made it worse. I felt like I was sliding down a steep slide. A slide headed towards complete weariness and hopelessness.

By God's grace I was able to leave this beautiful mountaintop and begin a long process of healing.

Wednesday around four o'clock, I stuffed my stuff into the trunk of Steph's Ford Focus and was off, headed towards Pensacola, FL with three girls I barely knew.

The long weekend was full of

loud laughter,

dancing,

screams of delight,

sand in our our toes,

being beaten up by the waves,

tears,

TV,

reading,

eating,

and eventually brought valuable friendship.

There were moments of joy, sadness, anger, apathy, and awe.

I didn't notice Jesus in everything that weekend, I guess my eyes weren't really looking. But as we laid on the beach reading aloud Shauna Niequist's beautiful words about food, flesh, and fellowship; it was as if my heart flew open and received the LOVE of my Savior for the first time in weeks.

It was as if the waves of laughter washing over my broken pieces were slowly, very slowly bringing healing.

It was as if Jesus was catching me right in the nick of time.

It was as if God was filling my weekend with GRACE DAYS, because he knows everything. He knows when I can't stand anymore and when I am about to give up. about to crash under this long life.

Salt water is often called healing water. That may seem extreme, but in reality salt is an antibacterial agent. The salt draws out the water in cells and dehydrates the cells, causing them to die. This process on bacteria kills them. And as I laid beside the salt water waves God poured spiritual salt over my life and began to dry up the death that I have been living in for so long. It seems like a long painful process, but the beginning was beautiful. Beautiful and full of salty wind that seemed to offer me fresh life.

That day on the beach we all said that we would begin writing little chapters of our lives. And so I am. I am writing about my life. I am being a storyteller, I am being faithful in the call to REMEMBER and TELL.

Pensacola didn't offer me life, neither did the beach, but the freedom to rest in the Lord did! It was only four days, a little more than 96 hours, that was it. But those 96 hours were ones that God used to refresh me, to dry out the death in my life, and to offer me healing beside salty water.

thankful for a break beside salty water,

a breaking. a healing.