invitation from my first love

It is time for some honesty on this little blog of mine:
I have been struggling a lot throughout this past Advent season.
Advent is a season in the church calendar that is set aside for waiting on the coming of the Lord. This short season of waiting ends in a celebration on Christmas morn as we celebrate Emmanuel, God with us. Often Advent is talked about in this joyous and hopeful way. It seems light and maybe even magical that we are invited to four weeks of intentional hoping. Hoping in the incartnation of Jesus Christ. I have felt that light, blissful hope before. It is beautiful and necessary. There should be joy in our waiting.
But this year was just different for me. This was my fifth year of being intentional about partaking in the season of Advent, and it was my hardest yet.
This year I found myself a little bit angry about the waiting season.
I felt desperate and needy, like waiting for Jesus just causes agony.

Come Lord Jesus

Come Lord Jesus

Come Lord Jesus

This has been the rhythm of my heart over the past couple weeks.

I think the best way I can describe it is as if the needyness and the agony of waiting somehow stretched my spirit to its breaking point. And in the painful process of begging the Lord Jesus to come and be born in my life, to come and bring intimacy, my spirit was shredded, no longer maintianing its nice, neat form. And in that shredding I found myself in a familiar place, a place of tenderness. 

A tenderness that is so sensitive that touch is painful. 

That is where I am at at the end of this Advent season.

I hear my tender Abba inviting me to come to him.

"Come with your shredded spirit.

Come and fall forward."

I want to fall back on my butt and land sitting down, on my own, away from any touch. 

Falling forward seems painful these days.

I hear the truth of grace and love.

I notice His faithfulness. 

I desire. 

Jesus came as a child.

This Christmas I am remembering these boys.

I wish I was with them.
Learning to trust in God's timing.
Learning to fall deeper in love with Jesus.

Warmth

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Rise.

It has been a week.
Im not sure I would say its been good or that I would say its been bad.
Mostly it just has been.
Momement by moment the Lord has taken my hand and walked me through it all.

so I guess that actaully makes my week good.

being WITH is always good.

at least being with God is.

This week I have felt a lot like Lucy when Aslan tells the four children, "Rise Kings and Queens of Narnia;" half delighted to be called forth and half stunned by his choosing. God has been taking me on a journey these past two weeks. Mostly a journey of him calling me to Rise up and live out of the identity he has given me. 

To flesh out his words in and through my life.

Noticing his blessings and his voice throughout my day. 

Once a King or Queen, always a King or Queen.

art day.

 Creating and making life happen.

a life well lived

What does a life well lived look like?
What do I look like when i am living? Not existing, going, and maintaining a certain level of functions, but actual living? 

Sometimes life seems so beautiful that it takes my breath away.

I am awake.

I notice the Holy Spirit: 

he is living and breathing over me.

Living well could consist of things like playing, laughter, music, eating good food, filling out bellies with warm goodness and our hearts with delight. When life is at its fullest it seems like every color jumps out at me screaming for attention. All smells bring back old memories, as if the scent itself is resurrecting moments of life in my mind. When living is happening my laugh is loudest and my eyes are tear stained and beautiful.
There are moments when I love life.

These moments bring me deeper into Jesus' heart for me.

Jesus delights in me. 

When I live in delight of his blessings my heart is awakened to deeper truth.

It is delight being fleshed out in me. 

"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. 

He will take great delight in you, 

he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing (Zeph 3)"

I went into the woods for a weekend with these people. I started the weekend feeling slightly akward, this is pretty normal when you don't truly know people, which I didn't. I left the weekend feeling loved.
God is good to me.
Counting my blessings.
Learning to live in Delight of the Lord and his gifts to me.
Learning to see the gift and notice the GIVER more and more each day.
A life well lived is a life lived in the presence of the Giver, the King, my Abba!
oh, I love Love.

seasons of life.

I know that living on the Mountain Top is changing my life.

Covenant sort of represents a season of FALL for me. 
I came into school as if it would be summer forever; Wide-eyed freshman and expecting to be green-leafed forever.

But summer never lasts, 

at least not summers of the soul. 

Fall will come.

And Fall has been Covenant for me. 

The first couple days of fall feel bitter; it is cold, rainy, and full of greys. But after those first couple dead-feeling days we realize that there is beauty in the death. 

The truth of the leaves is revealed. 

We learn that God is too creative, too good to leave them in the summer heat forever. 
Our eyes are opened and soon we begin to see life in the midst of the bitter rain. 

we see life lived out in red. 

We begin to see the reality of the leaves.
That really has been Covenant for me: There are a lot of days that feel cold and bitter. But I know that the Lord is just revealing my reality, the true colors that my life is painted in. 

My life is painted in the deepest, most beautiful red. 

In progress.

Artwork in Progress.

I am a piece of artwork.

I am in progress too.

Peace in Progress.

Peace in the Potter's hands.

The leaves again.

 The colors are changing from green to red; and every year, around this time, my mind is filled with memories, beautiful and hard memories. Most of them come straight from Doe River Gorge. This year I got to remember and make new memories. God gave me a chance to worship under the tent again. 

It was my fifth time to go. 

I am blessed. 

This view is one of my favorites.

Being a Doe River, three years after I graduated from Bearden, was kinda overwhelming. It was beautiful, hard, and was full of invitations. I am in awe of God and his goodness: of how he is relentless. 

As we walked 

hand in hand to the hill

 I found the words, 

"God is so faithful to not leave us where we are." 

And where my head knows that is true, sometimes my heart aches over it. Why did God move me to the mountain? How is total, complete brokeness more usable in the kingdom than strong and confidant? Is pouring out for one intentional year really worth it? I feel these questions rising up in me. I feel the tears coming to the surface. I wonder as I walk. 

I wonder as I walk.

I wonder as I walk out his story. 

The only reason I keep walking is because I trust him.

Because it is just like Eliose said, "Just look at what he already has done for you."

Do you see it, Em? 

Do you see and remeber all that the Lord has done for you. 

Because life is not all about where you are right now. 

Life really is all about him.

Life is about him, his story, and his glory!

I want my life to be brimming over with his plans. 

"Lord of our shame,

Lord of our sinful hearts.

He is our GREAT REDEEMER!"

he is so good to not leave us where we are at...

 Workin' on a new art project.

Thankful that I was created good.

Oh, Im funny.

But there is grace enough for that.
So Basically, On Septemeber 18th I started a new blog that was all about my ART. But as I have processed what that looks like, I decided I didnt want to split up different parts of my life onto different blogs. SO, here is all the stuff that was on that blog, and from now on my life will be on here:) 
Holistic in every way.
Because in real life, you cant really catagorize your life! 


It is September 18th, and I am starting again.
For years I have wrestled with this seed of creativity that has been planted in me. The wrestleing process kinda looks like this:

>I want to create with all my being.

> I get shut down- this could happen because of my own fears,

 other people's words, or even just the busyness of life.

>I stop creating.

>I keep thinking about it.

>I get on pinterest and people's blog and look at art work.

> Eventually, something triggers in me and I pick up my paintbrushes again. 

So I BEGIN once again, full of grace for myself, because I know that I am not the final judge. 

Im stepping into this scary creative call

and giving these silent thoughts a place to be heard.

I am offering up my life in a way that I never thought I would have the courage to do. 

I AM NOT COURAGEOUS ON MY OWN.

But you see.... 

I AM NOT ON MY OWN! 

I AM A FULL TIME STUDENT

and

I desperately want to be a full time artist. 

How do I do both? 

Right now I am taking Kelly Rae's online class, Taking Flight. It has been so good for my heart. I find myself writing a research paper for a class and then getting on the classes page and just reading and looking at people's work. 

Distractions and Procrastinations are life giving.

It is good to see my heart long for something. 

It is good to notice life and yearning within me. 

This little butterfly is going to have to be still.

Be still and wait for the SUN to warm my wings.

Warm my wings and prepare me to fly.

This I know for sure,

The butterfly can't warm up its own wings.

Independence would kill the butterfly.

So I am pregnant with questions. tons and tons of questions. 

Most of those questions pin point fears that I live in. 

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."

-Eleanor Roosevelt

I have a 'to do' list that is a mile long. Everything on that list is about school. I have wish list that is a mile long. My wish list is full of paintings and big plans! 

I know that my thistle years are super important. I know that no matter what I am doing in life there is an invitation to ENGAGE and be present. I beleive that nothing is wasted, not pain, or joy, or even desire. Everything is used.

One little thing that I have decided to do while being a full time student is to find time every day to sketch. It will not be a huge commitment, not a finished piece of art everyday, but just a little piece to keep my creative juices flowing.
It will keep me creating and it also will give me space to tell my stories through snap shots of my day!

And I love stories. 

So here we go, Ill be posting some as they come... 

and really I just invite you to join me. 

Tell parts of your story through sketches too! 

Day #1: Soggy Cinnamon Toast Crunch

  Day #2: These shoes go places. 

Day #3: To Thy cross I cling, or I die.

 Day#5: Lunch at MoJo's. alone and peaceful.

and a little love note to Farda:)

Little Whisperings.

I have been reading Kelly Rae Roberts book, Taking Flight.
It has been good for my soul.
She talks about how our hearts whisper ideas, dreams, hopes and how we have a chance to take ourselves up on the ideas:)
so i am. I'm painting.
lots.

it's summer time...

it has been quite the year...

Pensacola. Sand love. Salt water and healing.

youth and laughter. Sonic happy hour:) being a question asker.

???  

lament. being made into soup. cocoon season. ugh.

Balcs love. RA. 

Urban Younglife. and the Mission Chat. 

Three nephwes.

Canada. Lebanon and Europe.

the gospel becoming mine.  

tears.

learning to be diligent worker and a good steward.

Moments of the Lazarus story coming alive in mine:

Africa. Creating. Dreaming. Resting.

Family at church and family on staff.

family.

coffee, diet coke, and Jesus.

Greek learner and lover. 

friendships; death and new life.

And it is once again time to notice and thank God for his FAITHFULNESS.

Freshman year God's faithfulness was my theme. 

and this year God being enough was my theme. 

i think he has been teaching me to survive and and be thankful for the manna. 

I feel a change of seasons taking place in this heart of mine. 

I think he is beginning to invite me to feast.

After manna, a feast seems like too much. 

But then I remember the Gospel. 

Dave Busby said, " GET A TASTE OF GOD'S HEART FOR YOU."

Taste and See.

taste and see.

TASTE AND SEE! 

So, it is a change of seasons. It is the butterfly convulsing until it is free from the cocoon. It is a butterfly choosing to live in the reality of transformation. it is beauty. 

So, its a new season, a summer season, 

and this summer will be about celebrating Jesus and noticing inspiration. 

I know God has you where he has you.

But, I guess Im inviting you to join me. 

Invitation are always out there to receive. 

and this is an invitation to feast. 

to fly.

God is faithful. He is enough. and he is more...

Soup and Wings.

The truth I have been clinging to these days: God's love NEVER fails.

So much life has happened.

Usually, when blogs aren't posted its because there is just too much. too much of life too fast.

too much isn't bad.

too much sometimes isn't even fast.

its just a lot.

I have been learning a lot about WORDS lately. God had told me he

would teach me, he even prepared me for thinking about truth. I just had no idea

how it would all bubble up.

I had no idea that I had hidden the deceit that lived in me and blocked it off from God's transformation power.

I had tombed it off.

"the most revolutionary act is telling the truth."

PUT on the BELT of TRUTH, cause your pants are fallin' off.

God is a talker. That is good news for me. Exodus 19, God speaks! He communicates clearly. Another truth that I am learning to lean on and trust in. "Do you trust that your shepherd speeks to his sheep?"

QUESTIONS are so valuable.

Dr. Pettit tells me to write down the questions. He says, "You are writing down the questions, right?!"

>>>Big questions leave lots of room for God to move<<<

YOU ARE MAKING ME INTO SOUP! and it is super painful!

When a catapillar transforms and is inside the cocoon all of its organs are broken down and made into something that resembles soup. It is liquid, sloshing around in there waiting to be made into something! All of the old organs are broken down because they are not equipped to take on the new identity. Then these cells called Imaginary Cells begin to grow and build new organs. Scientists cannot figure out what gets these cells to begin, but they do, faithfully.

All of my old ograns have been made into slush.

I have sucessfully become soup.

"Now what?!?"

I am empty handed but alive in His hands.

Death bringing NEW life.

Depression bringing dependency

Makin' me into Soup.

WHAT CAN WASH AWAY MY SIN???

... NOTHING but the BLOOD of JESUS!

(Little giggling boys)

Im thankful that I was given two sisters to journey with and to be family with! Im thankful that God is teaching me to SAVOR time and moments with.

He is able. He is willing.

Doubt no more.

I am really thankful for laughter.

for this beautiful mountain top.

for the promise of sunshine.

for a cozy night in the city with Sarah:)

for glitter!

for colorful and vibrant parts of life (even when they come in forms of dresses)

for being able to hold my nephews

and for tears

Im thankful that goodbyes are hard cause it means that my life is RICH!!!

Im thankful for matching

and having a brother.

Im thankful that the WORD is so So SO ALIVE!

Im thankful for the promise of sunshine and Orlando.

for invitations

for Pat encouraging me to make space inside me soul

for courage to speak truth

for lies being broken off me

for living into the truth that hiddeness does NOT protect

thankful for soup being able to make wings and reproduction organs.

Im just thankful that God is working on me.

I for sure am in the WorkRoom.

Slow and tedious work.

Slow, tedious, and beautiful.

BYE YA'LL.

Run this Race.

Hebrew 12

¹ Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,

² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

³ Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Thankful for this princess who continually runs with me.

Rough Seas.

heav·y

 

1. of great weight; hard to lift or carry.

2. of great amount, quantity, or size; extremely large, massive.

HEAVY. That is a perfect word to descibe how I have felt for the past couple weeks. Heavy.

Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who are weary...I will give you rest... Learn from me... you will find rest for your souls...My yoke is easy and my burden is light."

I have CLUNG to the promises in this verse before. Clung to it as if my life depended on it. Probably because a lot of days I feel so heavy that my life does depend on someone taking the burdens for me.

But I have questions and thoughts, somehow this verse doesn't quite make since to me. How can any burden be light? and how and what is Jesus' yoke? Is his idea of " light and easy" different then mine?

Questions are valuable.

Write down the questions.

When I think 'light and easy' a picture of whip cream pops in my head. Pretty sure that isn't what Jesus was thinking when he said those words.

So I open up my hands.

Knowing that God is good and that he is my sustainer,

Knowing that God holds all things together,

Knowing that I don't know,

I open up my hands, ask the questions, and trust in his answers.

Satan fights a battle over trust.

And I'm feelin' it.

I will drink my tea and remind God of his promise.

I will lay all that stuff at the cross and trust that God's idea of "light and easy" is good. Good, good for me, and good for God's glory.

Open HANDS,

Open HEARTS,

and

LOTS of Hope.

I love sunshinecause it brings GROWTH.

These weeks this mountain top has been awfully foggy.

foggy and gross.

I struggle with the fog. I struggle with it because I love the sun. Sun brings warmth, comfort, and growth. Fog brings questions. I struggle living thankfully in the questions.

HARD thanks.

Enter into hard thanksgiving.

Hard thanksgiving on the rough seas.

Wake up!

One little text from Pemba, MZ.

He remembers me.

Thank you God.

Dreamin' and Making Lists.

"Dont be afraid of Death, Winnie. Be afraid of the unlived life."

-Tuck Everlasting.

It is a new year.

And to be honest I dont feel motivated to move and change.

So here is my prayer: that God would change this comfortable heart of mine and give me purpose, passion, diligence, and fight!

I always have short term goals running.

But year long goals have never been for me.

But these are things I need more of in my life, and I hope I can look back on 2012 as the year that I grew and my spirit went through transformation.

I want to be in the WORD. more and more.

I want memorization to take place.

i want to be diligent in my Greek class.

I want to wake up earlier and live by the sun,

after all I am a sunshine girl.

I want to write more letters,

and tell people i love them.

I want to laugh loudly, because whats the point in holding joy in.

I want to shut up more and listen lots.

I want to see past the physical and listen to the heart.

I want to learn a new culture

I want to love because I have been loved.

I want to record the smallest, most beautiful, details.

I WANT TO LIVE IN THANKSGIVING!

I want to wear more dresses

and live in the beauty of God.

I want to wear glittery things and not be embarassed

I want to break free from comparison,

jealousy,

self-centeredness,

fear.

I want to fly like a bird who just realized that it isn't caged in by bars.

I want to call my sisters more.

and thank God for my family more.

I want my smile to be contagious

I want to write a story

and dance in the rain:)

and thank God for the snow, even when I would rather the sunshine.

I would like to live more by intention and less from habit.

I want to live in the resurrection power that invades my life.

I want to be aware when I am bored,

and fight like hell to get my heart out of that dangerous spot.

I want to be awake to the divine

I want to see sacred things in the mundane.

I WANT YOUR WORD TO BE BORN IN ME!!!

I want creativity to overflow

and I want to become a woman of truth

I want to see my body as a temple of the Holy Spirit

and I don't want to be dry bones.

I WANT TO DANCE!

I dont know how all these things will take place,

but I believe that these are glimpses of fully living.

and I believe that I am promised life to the fullest.

And i believe I will get that even if it come in completely different ways then I think.

I believe LIFE is coming.

I believe I am pregnant with LIFE.

I know I am!!!

So I will dance:)

‎"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

Mark Twain