A Day of Tears.

Today was a day of tears.

I started my day with JOY and LAUGHTER. I had a beautiful Waffle House Adventure with Anna. As we sat there and talked about family, church, and our Abba I became so aware of how good our God is. He is way ahead of me, always.

He hems me in behind and before.

As I drove away I became so aware that I am leaving Florida so soon. Dad's words, "give yourself time to be sad" came rushing in. I love my youth. I love watching them grow and learn. I love seeing hunger. I love watching them find words. I love the way God lets me SEE. I love going through Colossians. I love being silly and hearing their laughter. I love them.

They are God's grace gifts to me this summer.

Leaving Waffle House and waving goodbye to Anna brought all these emotions and a few tears.

I then headed to a mother's home.

She welcomed me. We talked over lesson plans, asking each other questions. Talking about the value of our stories, of remembering, of hope, of clinging to TRUTH.

She asked me my story. How did God capture my heart? he is so good.

As I told, there were more tears. God is so faithful.

He is faithful even when we are not.

Love sets my heart on fire. Love has redeemed me from the pit. Love has released me from a spirit of striving. Love taught me about grace. Love knows me well. Love sees all. Love sends joy and hope. Love continues to bring healing. I trust in Love.

God is Love.

More tears. Words about depression and weariness. Tears. Words about hiding and being exposed. More tears.

Anything exposed by light becomes visible.

So thankful for caring words. The mother's tears come as she notices how fierce the war is over my heart. How powerful is the work of God in my life and how strong the battle.

As I drove home I was driving on a four lane road with a median in the middle. I was in the turning lane, and there was a homeless man, holding a sign so he could be fed, right beside me. He was on the median. On both corners of the road were young men in ties holding up their Bibles in the air. They desire to proclaim Christ through this action. In front of them stood a man who needed love, a home, some food, and grace. As I continued driving I entered into judgment on those men. But soon, I became ashamed that I am the same as them. I too carry the Word of God with me, and I did not feed the hungry. More tears. So ashamed and so dirty. I turned my car around looking for the homeless man. God was gracious and allowed me to find him.

Embarrassed, I said, "sorry I passed you the first time," gave him some food and I cried the whole way home. No judgement on the men, because I too am a sinner, forgetting the unlovely. More than that, forgetting that I am the unlovely. Oh God, you are so good to me!

GRACE.

GRACE.

GRACE.

Allow my heart to be covered in GRACE.

"The Cure for anything is salt water;

sweat, tears,

or the sea."

Nearing the end of my summer beside the ocean.

Thankful for healing.

Thankful for tears.

Moments of Thanksgiving.

PSALMS 103

¹ Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!² Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,³who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,⁴who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,⁵who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
⁶The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all who are oppressed.⁷He made known his ways to Moses,
his acts to the people of Israel.⁸The LORD is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.⁹ He will not always chide,
nor will he keep his anger forever.¹⁰He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.¹¹For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;¹²as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.¹³As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.¹⁴For he knows our frame;
he remembers that we are dust.
¹⁵As for man, his days are like grass;
he flourishes like a flower of the field;¹⁶for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
and its place knows it no more.¹⁷But the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,
and his righteousness to children’s children,¹⁸to those who keep his covenant
and remember to do his commandments.
¹⁹The LORD has established his throne in the heavens,
and his kingdom rules over all.
²⁰Bless the LORD, O you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his word,
obeying the voice of his word!²¹Bless the LORD, all his hosts,
his ministers, who do his will!²² Bless the LORD, all his works,
in all places of his dominion. Bless the LORD, O my soul!

My Heart is Beginning to Prepare for Balcony and its Wonderful Balconites:::

Check out this Blog:::

http://www.aholyexperience.com/

"He is Able, He is Willing, Doubt No More."

A Chapter About RYM (2011):::

WOW. I almost don't even want to write about RYM because it was so FULL. Full of life,

tears,

laughter,

growth,

light,

the Word/Bread,

people,

fellowship,

truth,

and HOPE.

And, while all those things are beautiful, they are also all very overwhelming. Overwhelming to process, remember, and explain.

My PineWood's ladies are a gift from God, I notice the finger print of God on each of them. They blessed me this past week.

Sarah's peaceful spirit and confidence,

Sarah J's desiring heart and beauty,

Elena's presence and learning heart,

Erin's zeal and joy,

Anna's strength and identity,

Kat's beautiful tears and captivating spirit,

Hannah's desire for unity and opened eyes,

and Amy's creativity and strength. And even though my purpose of going to RYM was to journey with them and dig deeper into their hearts I noticed God using the time to dig into my own heart. I wasn't expecting it. Or prepared for it.

In the mornings our group went to an elective called "Freedom from the Paralysis of Doubt" taught by Joey Stewart. Of course I'm thinking that I really don't need to hear this class because I am sure of my faith in Jesus Christ and that four talks on the assurance of faith would have to be repetitive. oh em... Little did I know that God would use this class to bring me back to the feet of Jesus, to sit in his throne room again and receive his good, free gifts that are constantly being poured out on me. (Thanks be to God!)

The first day Joey told this story about a sky diver.

He was the camera man for this group of men who were all jumping together.

People could watch the film he shot. so you watch as he jumps out of the plane.

He turns around to catch all his friends jump out one at a time,

getting the whole thing on camera.

Then one by one each man pulls his parachute

and as you watch the film you begin to see the camera man panic.

And it becomes clear that the camera man was so caught up in his camera stuff that he forgot his parachute.

He is free falling with no way to slow down.

He was so caught up in the extra stuff that he forgot his life saver.

The whole story is a bit overwhelming and scary- but the point hit me to the core. Am I caught up in theology and worries that I forget the good news? Do I let Satan steal the joy of my salvation? Maybe I don't constantly live in doubt, but do I live like a daughter of the King who has been saved just in the nick of time???

If you know the Lord has been good to you, common and Dance.

A dear princess sister once told me that the seeds that have been planted in my heart are growing roots deeper and deeper. And as seeds go deeper, they need more nourishment because they cant reach the nourishment that just hits the surface, just like a plant. Plants' roots go deeper to get more water, and they stretch higher to soak in the sun. This was all told to me last Christmas. Awhile ago, and I'm still wrestling with it. In Joey's third talk he went through different points on 'union and communion with God'. One of his points was that we should ABIDE/reside IN/with CHRIST. At this point in his lesson he said one of the more profound things I have heard in a long time, " When we distance ourselves from the means of grace then we are starving our faith." Simple, right? Not for me. Overwhelming. yes. Simple. no.

I can starve my faith. I can do that.

I have been doing that.

What offers me the means of Grace= THE WORD. Worship. the Bride.

Of course I feel dry.

My roots are so deep but I am offering them no water,

no food to eat on; to grow from.

God doesn't run dry.

There are always deep deep wells of water offered to me.

(but i can distance myself from them, and i do.)

So, Yes to the overwhelmingness...

The beauty of it all is there is no condemnation. There is no guilt trip for the past year of my life. No punishment for not feeding. The bread is still offered to me freely.

It is still there for the takin'.

P.S. SO PROUD OF PINEWOODS FOR WINNING MEGA-REC!!!

NUMBA ONE BABY.

"ALL WE DO IS WIN, WIN, WIN, NO MATTA WHAT!"

So, there are a few bits and pieces to my very FULL week at RYM. I'm sure that as I process more and notice new seeds bursting with life you will hear more about it. Here are the words to the Hymn I feel like God has given me this summer... the words are full of rich truth.

Come ye sinners, poor and wretched,

weak and wounded, sick and sore.

Jesus, ready, stands to save you,

Full of pity joined with power.

He is able, He is able; He is willing; Doubt no more.

Come ye needy, come and welcome;

God’s free bounty glorify:

True belief and true repentance,

every grace that brings you nigh.

Without money, without money

Come to Jesus Christ and buy.

Come ye weary, heavy laden,

Bruised and broken by the fall.

If you tarry till you’re better,

you will never come at all.

Not the righteous, not the righteous;

Sinners Jesus came to call.

Let not conscience make you linger,

nor of fitness fondly dream.

All the fitness He requireth

is to feel your need of Him.

This He gives you, this He gives you,

’Tis the Spirit’s rising beam.

Lo! The Incarnate God, ascended;

pleads the merit of His blood.

Venture on Him; venture wholly,

Let no other trust intrude.

None but Jesus, none but Jesus

Can do helpless sinners good.