Crashing in.

Chapter 4:::

Ever wake up in the morning and realize that you have been shut down?

I do. and it is completely the Holy Spirit. Thank God for him!

I notice patterns in my life. Really sad patterns like: forgetting that I am God's joy and delight, forgetting to go to him with my time, forgetting to offer hi

m my whole heart, forgetting that my identity is not wrapped up in the people around me, forgetting that the Word is my daily bread, forgetting that am completely hopeless without my King. my Savior. my Lord. my Jesus. and then the worst pattern of all kicks in: I forget tha

t I have HOPE, because I have my King. my Savior. my Lord. and the Holy Spirit filling me, walking with me, journeying with me.

And, so. I feel like my heart has walls all around it. and they are crashing in on me. I am under construction. but really I just feel like rubble. I feel like "under construction" is just a nice title for a messy process.

I feel the bricks on top of me

. I feel the heaviness and the messiness.

But, in all honesty, would I really have it any other way?

For months I have been waiting and pleading for rawness. For realness. For LIFE.

So bricks. bricks are ok this time. brinks remind me that rubble is moved AWAY.

that rubble is picked up in those big trucks and moved away from the construction site: from my heart.

and construction. construction is ok this time. because construction normally means change. and I need change, and deep change.

Why live in this?

When God is offering me this:::

Beautiful Run-ins.

Chapter 3:::

The past couple days in Knoxville has been anything but slow. Beautiful: yes. Slow: no.

I have been busy seeing people, looking for a wonderful car to buy, packing up my life, and spending lots of time with my little nephew, Cason.

Today, I found myself ending my sabbath sitting at Panera with two dear friends. (And eating the best white cheddar and beef panini you will ever eat) It was beautiful as usual. Lots of laughter, talking, remembering, and journeying into the new. And about the point where we were packing up to leave,

we had a BEAUTIFUL RUN-IN.

Very quickly I was running and embracing one of the most beautiful princesses I know. We ended up pulling up chairs and sharing little tid bits of our lives. Most people would say we were reconnecting, but I know the truth; the truth is we never disconnected (just distance in the physical). And it was as if being there was God breathing fresh life over me, inviting me to remember all he did last summer in the garden. "Remember my faithfulness."

We talked about funny camp stories. "Remember my GOOD GIFTS." And crazy God stories that involve restaurant seats and two-year-olds. "Remember I CANNOT be put in a box." but more than all that, we talked about AFRICA. Pemba, Mozambique to be specific. "Remember I give you DESIRE."

A friend is headed towards the place I love. And I literally found myself jumping up and down telling him to befriend two little boys who I love more than anything. I was so URGENT, so excited, and most of all so ALIVE. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but as I have processed the night I notice something: I feel my heart again.

Maybe it is the LOVE or maybe it is being able to dream again; all I know is I am ALIVE. and I want to LIVE and LIVE FULLY.

God is INVITING me to DREAM.

He is slowly opening up my heart again to the ALLURE OF HOPE.

God loves me and wants the BEST, the seven course meal, for me.

I wonder why I ever let go of those truths. But I did. and how I missed living in them.

And maybe, for me, God will use AFRICA to remind me that he is so so GOOD. Good and in love with his daughter, me. And when the truth of that soaks in, I cry and I feel full of hope and

dreams. I feel so full that I know I am living again.

All of that because of a God ordained run-in.

My night went on to eat yummy flat bread with hummus, and delicious brownies with coffee icing. I watched tangled for the first time. Fell in love with a cartoon character and remembered that God is good.

Not even the walls of a tower could hold the hopeful spirit of a princess in.

Twenty Days of Vacation.

Chapter 2:::

So... The last couple days of school were a blur. After Florida studying just turned into failure. So, I stopped studying and started drinking green tea and watching the OC. Around this time is when 20 something tornados decided to head towards Covenant. This meant all the students spent their days (and nights) in a basement of one building or another. I chose Mac, the deafening music of Catacombs didn't seem appealing at the time. About twelve hours later Covenant is telling us that they have to evacuate in twenty four hours. And so the blur continues, Walmart run, packing, more packing, WaffleHouse, shower for Sarah, time with some Balconites, finally bed, wake up, packing, breakfast, and more packing (All of this is done with no electricity and no water) It was a blur. By the time the car was packed and we were on the road, all I wanted to do was collapse and sleep for day: hence, the twenty days of vacation.

Twenty days sounds like a lot of down time, but not after this year.

I have twenty days until I move to a different city, a different church, and a different job. again.

MY PACE over these next couple days= SLOW.

very slow.

After one semester of utter craziness,

and one semester that seemed like a wild roller coaster that eventually slowed,

I am able to go through my day slowly.

I wake up late into my day, read some, eat some, watch some movies, REST,

and then go to bed late; which then pushes me to sleep in the next day starting the whole routine over again.

So, my movie list is growing longer and my PJs are the only clothes I have known for a couple of days, but for the first time in a long time, I am so ok with going SLOW. Twenty days of vacation to breath, to remember and to process. So thankful for a chance to refocus.

So, this isn't a long chapter of my life,

BUT a very valuable one!

a chapter that will prepare me for the next ones.

(it took me almost ten days to write this blog. thats how slow I am going)